Merry Christmas

For all my friends and family, I say thank you for all your kind thoughts, Christmas cards and support. Craig and family will be coming out on Christmas Day for a week. I can hardly wait. I did a (little) Christmas decorating--so I am getting into the Christmas spirit a little.

I have been going to a yoga class every Tues and Thurs with a great teacher. Lorrie joins me on some days. I just saw this picture and sent it to my yoga teacher who put it on her facebook page. I don't know much about facebook--need to see the movie I guess. But the guy was Time magazine's man of the year. I'm pretty out of touch.

For the last couple of weeks I have had the good fortune to find a woman friend who lives across the lake from me. She (Val) was a close friend of Sally's and likes the same sort of things that Sally liked. So it has been great to have

someone to have dinner with, go to the movies, and talk to. We went to our favorite park on Saturday--Brazos Bend. I blogged about this before when Sally and I went last Jan

uary (less than a year ago) and Sally felt pretty well and walked the whole 2 mile trail around a lake. We did the same trail. As always, we saw lots of stuff. I have never been there without seeing several alligators. Here is one of the ones we saw on Saturday--big guy. Lots of memories in that park.

Holidays

This has got to be one of the hardest times of the year for me. Someone told me that you have to go through a series of firsts when you lose someone. And this is the first holiday season. Fortunately, the whole family will be in Texas for Christmas. Craig, Kathie, Christopher, and Gavin are arriving on Christmas Day and will be here for a week. I think they will stay here with me, but we will have the Christmas dinner etc at Lorrie's. John has been planning fun things for everyone during this time. Thank goodness for family!!

I am still interested in the condo / townhouse area that I mentioned in the last note. I went back there this week to take another look. They are nice, but I think that were I to get serious, I would want an elevator in the unit. They are built with an elevator shaft, so I guess that is what a lot of people do as they get older. For now, taking the stairs would be good for me--like a stairmaster only real.

The swan is gone--at least for now. I don't know where she goes. I hope she comes back.

Interesting

After Thanksgiving I had a period of real sadness when I got home--kind of a relapse. It is still so hard to realize that Sally is really gone for good. But now I feel better--the swan appeared for a day and so that cheered me up. I am getting more busy doing consulting and that is good. It is fun thinking about problems and helping to come up with plans to address them.

Today, Lorrie and I went over to a new development in Sugar Land. It is a group of town homes that are in an area with lots of restaurants, a park like setting including a lake and a fitness club down the road. They were quite wonderful. They are new construction. There are a few bank foreclosures that were taken over by a real estate company and finished. So now I am thinking seriously about perhaps moving and simplifying my life. These are quite large places, bigger than I would really want, but they are in a great location. One potential problem is that they are three story homes so there are a lot of stairs. That is ok with me now, but who knows in the future. But the prices are pretty reasonable now and they might be a pretty good investment if the economy ever recovers. So that is something to think about.

First Thanksgiving without Sally

This has been the first Thanksgiving that we have had without Sally. Last year at this time Sally had not been doing well and went into the hospital. She started chemotherapy on Thanksgiving day. She received steroids and other anti nausea medications and in the afternoon we brought her a turkey dinner. She ate the dinner and it was the first time she had eaten well in quite a few days. The chemotherapy seemed to do her a lot of good and her blood count improved as well as her general well-being. So this year we remembered what it was like last year and after that Thanksgiving we had about six good months with Sally.

This year I came to California for Thanksgiving. It was the first time I had been in California with Craig and Kathie and the boys since Christopher was a baby. We had seen them either in Texas or in New Jersey at Thanksgiving occasionally. This turned out to be a great Thanksgiving. Craig smoked turkey in his smoker and it turned out to be juicy, flavorful and quite wonderful. Kathie made mashed potatoes, turkey stuffing, broccoli, pumpkin pie and apple pie. It was a wonderful feast. We shared several wines with Joe and Sharon, Craig and Kathie's neighbors. Here is a picture of dinner. The only person you might not recognize is Kathie's mom on the left.

Tomorrow I am told I am in for a treat if I come for brunch--Stuffing omelets, yum. I'll be there.

Thanksgiving in Carlsbad

A couple of weeks ago Kathie called me and asked whether I could come to California for Thanksgiving. She reminded me that I had not spent Thanksgiving with them in California for a very long time. Sally and I had always spent Thanksgiving in Texas since we moved here in 2002. We would have Thanksgiving at Lorrie's usually. Once or twice Craig and Kathie came to Texas for Thanksgiving but it'd been quite a long time ago. So, I decided to see if I could get airplane reservations for the holiday. And I was successful. I am leaving on Sunday and returning on Saturday after Thanksgiving. I am really looking forward to it. Craig is thinking about smoking a turkey in their smoker. It will also be good to see the condo and make sure everything is okay there. I left the Honda Civic in California so I will have a car while I am there without having to rent one. I hope to be able to take some pictures of their family.

Craig, Kathie, Christopher, and Gavin are planning to come to Texas for Christmas. So it won't be long between these two holidays. The boys are always excited to see their cousins. At Christmas I'm hoping that everyone will have a chance to look over all the stuff that is in this house and decide what they might want some time if I were to move. Right now, it doesn't appear that I am going to be moving soon but I might find some place that would be suitable. That would mean that I would need to get rid of a lot of stuff.

Lorrie has helped me clean out some of the things that have never been used but were stuck in drawers here. I still have a long ways to go to get this place organized so that I know where everything is. I'm sure that Sally knew where everything was but I don't. Gradually though I'm getting things cleaned out and organized so that I can find them.

I'm not at all sure that I'm going to be sending out Christmas cards this year. I think most people have been following the blog if they wish to know what's happening. If I have the energy or the willingness to put together something with perhaps a picture I will send it out to some people. There might be some people who don't even know about Sally.

Day of memories

The past few days have been warm and muggy with rain showers off and on. Today started that way but then the sun came out, the temperature came down and the humidity disappeared. I have been feeling pretty good recently so thought I might be up to cleaning out Sally's office. So most of the day I was going through the desk and some cupboards seeing what was there. There was a lot of junk that was easy to toss, but there were also some gems that took a while to process. I was proud of myself that I was able to do this without losing it completely--which would have happened as recently as a couple of weeks ago. I think that having decided to stay in this house for now has given me the push to get things cleaned up and organized.

Apparently Sally's mom had saved a lot of our old Christmas letters--back to the early 70's. Reading through these was like reliving a lot of our life together--it was great. Sally wrote these letters and I would edit and type them. Her humor, love for family, and good will towards all come through so clearly. I'm keeping them still in her desk. I don't want to see them often, but it is nice to know they are there.

There were also a lot of old pictures that I need to spend some time going through and perhaps scanning. Most of the pictures were taken in the past 20 years, I think--but before digital cameras (can you remember what film was?) A few other special cards and notes were also there that were so typical of Sally. A scan of one of these is to the right. And on her desk were some of her very favorite things--a silk rose, some minerals (she loved collecting different minerals) and a couple of geodes that were split in half and polished. I'm just leaving them there for now.

I also found a plaque that was given to Sally by the Superintendent of Schools in Aurora Colorado, where Sally had volunteered for a few years--I don't think I had ever seen it. She also had a note of thanks from the teacher and a darling card from her school kids--some of my favorite student notes to Sally were: "Dear Mrs. Knies, Thank you for having the descustions with us!", "Thank you for giving some time to help us lurn", "Mrs. Nies, I really liked it when you taught us about self-asteam. Thanks", "Mrs. Nies, It really was fun in the groups. You have put in a lot of hard work in these groups--Love, Antwenette", Mrs. Neis, We all love you. You were a great help. I think that you should come back next year. (We will need you despratly)".

I finally got the courage to put all the funeral stuff away--Maybe some day I will want to look at it, but not now. They put together a nice printed book of all the pictures we had on the CD at the services, and that is nice. And then there were Sally's ashes--shudder. I have spread ashes at several of her favorite sites (China Cove, the La Costa Condo, our yard here, in Annie's back yard, our beach in Leucadia) and Lorrie spread some up in the Hill Country where Sally, Lorrie and friends would go each year for antique hunting. Kathie took some with her to New Jersey and spread some in "Sally's yard" at our old house in New Jersey. The current owners are the same ones to whom we sold it, so that is nice. And Kathie had the time to look up Sally's gardening soul-mate, Camille, in New Jersey and spread a few ashes there also. So there is a little of Sally coast to coast--and this country is better for it!!

When I finished, I went outside to enjoy our beautiful weather and to my pleasure the swan was swimming in the lake just outside our fence. The swan had not been around for the past week--but there she was.....

And I found this in Sally's desk:

"She who plants flowers

loves others beside herself"

What to do--part 2

Well, in the last post you saw my thoughts as of a couple of weeks ago. So I was thinking it might be fun to live in the city--I have friends who live in Denver, Manhattan and San Francisco, so why not live in Houston? In order to help with this thought, Lorrie and I spent an afternoon with an excellent, experienced and tolerant realtor looking mostly at high-rise condos. And I must say that I hated it. The problem is, I think, that Houston is not a walking or public transportation city. So if you lived downtown, you would still have to drive wherever you might want to go--and that is not what I had in mind. So for now I have decided to kind of look around but not with any hurry to it. If I can find something that I like somewhere around here, I may decide to sell the house, but I don't see that happening any time soon and probably not in time for the family that is interested in buying. When I got home from the "condo hunting" trip, I went around the house and decided I was really pretty ok with everything. So, in a way, I feel more calm than I was. I was developing a feeling of anxiety looking at the condos which I didn't like--and they are outrageously expensive in Houston--many cost much more that this house, and that didn't make any sense to me.

I've done a couple of fun things. Last weekend I joined a neighbor and some of their friends at the Renaissance Festival. I had never been to one and it was quite an amazing spectacle. There is a permanent setup out in the middle of nowhere about 70 miles from here. The people are all dressed up in strange and wonderful costumes. We all ate stuff like turkey legs and apple dumplings while we wandered around.

Today I went out to Brazos Bend State Park, which I have mentioned

before. It was Sally and my favorite local area to visit. There were many demonstrations being shown by the Texas Master Naturalist programs. I learned again about snakes,

bugs, bees, and other critters. I then took the walk that we used to take. As

I thought, it brought back a lot of memories and some sadness, but the good memories prevailed. The weather was perfect, about 70 and crystal clear. Saw at least 10 alligators. Most were on the banks as usual, but there were a couple swimming around. I didn't see any of them getting a duck or anything but it looks like there is a lot of food around for them if they want it. Only had my phone so the picture is not as good as I would like.

What to do?

A day or two after I got back to Texas, I got a call from a family that lives in our subdivision. They were friends of our neighbors and had heard about Sally. Anyway, the call was about me considering selling our house. This was the last thing on my mind, and my first thought was that I was not up to the trauma that would incur. But, thinking about it, I began to see some upside to this. After Sally's death, I thought I would eventually sell this large house and move into someplace smaller, but I had no plans to pursue this at this time. Our house is very large and would be perfect for a large family with room for guests. With me, I am a little like a molecule in a large space bouncing around with Brownian movement. There are parts of the house I essentially never visit except to make sure that fox or bear or something hasn't moved in. So to have someone interested to buy it without having to market it or to get a realtor involved seemed like something I should take seriously. So I am thinking about it. I don't know, but with the swan appearing and now this spontaneous offer for the house--I''m almost wondering if this is meant to be. Keep tuned.

It's been busy

Lots of things going on here. The yard has been overgrown over the summer with lots of rain so everything was looking a little like some jungle in southeast Asia. So with Lorrie's guidance, I had Ken, our friend and major gardner here, do a major cutting back of the plants so that now after a couple days of intensive work, the yard is starting to have a much more tidy look. Sally always had many pots full of various plants. We are trying to simplify things and so many of the pots have now gone to new homes -- friends who wanted a little of Sally in their yard. I think she would approve. There are also some things about the house that need fixing and I am working on those. So I hope that in another week or so everything will be ship-shape.

Our swan has been here most days at least for part of the day. He (she?) must be flying around and exploring the area, but he has come back so that I see him early in the morning but not later in the day. Who knew that there were swans flying around looking for a home?? I hope he decides that this is a pretty good place to put down roots. It would be great if there was a mate so that we could have some "ugly ducklings" and then some more swans. It is interesting to see the swan interact with the ducks. He is always graceful but there is no doubt who is in charge. He will threaten the ducks a little and they will back off if they are both in the same area.

In addition to all the house stuff, I am keeping busy with some consulting--spent a few days in Boston and almost got stuck in a Nor'easter last week, but made it home ok. This week I went up to Lexicon, my favorite little pharmaceutical company here in the Houston area. I plan to spend more time with them helping them to be successful--hope it will help.

Have also been spending good time with Lorrie, John, Stephen and Andrew. The boys are in a great HS band program. We went to a regional

competition last week and they got first place against schools of all sizes. In a month they will go to a National competition in Indianapolis. It is exciting for them and for us as well. Here is a picture of all ten finalists at the regional competition. There are about 2000 kids on the field. It was exciting as they announced the winners of the competition.

I'm back in Richmond

Well, I am now back in Richmond and trying to get settled here. I spent a few days in Tucson with my good friends, Ray and Julie Woosley. Tucson is really an interesting and beautiful part of the country with the saguaro and other desert plants and animals. I am flying back this time so that I don't have to worry about driving alone on that long drive. I got back on Tuesday evening and tried to get oriented as to where I was and what time it was.

Coming back to this house has been sorta difficult. All of the things that Sally had done to the house and yard make me sad. Lorrie came over today and we are going to try and simplify things such as pots and plants etc. to try and make some changes. I'm sure that will help.

About a week ago a swan flew into our lake and has been here ever since. I didn't know that swans flew around looking for homes, but this one did and I hope he stays. He is so beautiful and calm, just swimming around. Yesterday morning, first thing I went outside and the swan raised up and flapped its wings in my direction as a greeting. I think Sally sent the swan as a welcome home.

Tomorrow would have been Sally's birthday. Lorrie and her friends are making plans to do some fun stuff with me to keep my mind off this significant day. One day at a time, they say and I think I have to go through all these anniversaries to get through this process.

55th OHS Reunion

Last weekend I went into Orange for my 55th reunion at Orange High School. A small group of us met the evening before for a get together and dinner at the home of Forrest & Diane Shattuck. I stayed at Nancy and Terry Teigen's home in Orange as did Don and Gale Sturdevant. Sondra and Bob Teeter rounded out our little group. We all sat around reminiscing. The reunion, was held at Chapman University. Chapman bought the old high school buildings after our second year of high school, so the reunion was like going back to our original high school. We had a great time in our little group and at the reunion--although it seemed like there were a lot of old people there. 51 of our class have died--probably about 30%. A couple of our faculty made it to the reunion, but they are becoming rather scarce. Just a few days before the reunion John Bayard, one of our teachers, passed away. A website in his honor contained this poem he had written, which I liked:

To Those I Love

When I am gone, just release me, let me go —

so I can move into my afterglow.

You mustn't tie me down with your tears;

let's be happy that we had so many years.

I gave you my love, you can only guess

how much you gave me in happiness.

I thank you for the love you each have shown,

but now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve for me awhile, if grieve you must,

then let your grief be comforted with trust.

It's only for a while that we must part,

so bless the memories within your heart.

And then, when you must come this way alone,

I'll greet you with a smile and a "Welcome Home."

John Bayard---June 12, 1923 – September 18, 2010

We walked and drove around Orange which is now a historic district with all the old houses and storefronts being preserved. It is becoming a town of upscale restaurants and antique stores. I went by the house I was born in. It has been moved from the original lot (which was 5 acres of oranges at one time) but is still intact.

So it was a good weekend with friends and acquaintances some of whom I hadn't seen in 55 years. Also, Stanford trounced Notre Dame. After I got back to Carlsbad, Forrest sent this link which I think sums up the feelings at a reunion like this.

This Saturday I will be heading back to Texas with a stop in Tucson along the way to see the Woosleys. Unless something happens between now and then, I will not be posting until I am back there.

Lorrie is here!

Lorrie has been here for the past several days and it has been great. For Lorrie, coming into the condo here for the first real visit since Sally's death, the emotions have been intense. I know exactly how she feels since I feel it every day, but with time the intensity wanes. Lorrie was particularly pleased at how the plants in the patio and on the balcony are doing. Sally always had a lot of plants that died back in the winter and then she replaced with new ones each summer. After the California memorial, Lorrie and Kathie came over and all the old plants were cut back and some were replanted. I have been watering everything and it is quite amazing how everything has come back almost better than ever.

Saturday we went out to the Temecula wine country to meet Boyd and Helen for lunch at Cafe Champagne at the Thornton winery. Linda (Boyd and Helen's daughter and Lorrie's cousin) also met us and it was a great get together. The weather and the lunch were great.

Yesterday was Lorrie's birthday and we went down to San Diego. First we went to a cafe near

Balboa Park and had brunch. Lorrie had a Captain Crunch / Blackberry pancake. The single pancake was the size of her dinner plate. We then went to the Zoo, which is one of the best in the world. We took the bus tour first and then wandered. We particularly enjoyed seeing the pandas. There were not too many people there on Monday so we had no wait to see the pandas and could stay as long as we wished.

Lorrie leaves this afternoon. We hope to get to the SD Museum of Art (also in Balboa Park) to see the Toulouse Lautrec exhibit that is ongoing.

It has been a great visit with Lorrie. And, although we shared some tears, we think we are doing pretty well in this difficult process.

Dungeness Crabs

I meant to say on the last post that Jimmy packed up 8 or 9 Dungeness crabs for me to take home on the plane. He catches them and quickly cleans and cooks and then freezes them. So I had a box of crabs to carry on the plane back to Carlsbad. I labeled them "Dungeness Crabs" so that the security folks at the airport would know what they were looking for. I also told the TSA guy what they were and there was no problem. But because the box was labeled, everyone who saw it had to make a comment. And when I got on the plane, the stewardess took one look and said that she was going to melt some butter and open a bottle of wine.

Anyway, I got them home and the next night we had a crab feast at Craig's. I have saved about four crabs to have another feast when Lorrie gets here next week. They were great and I am looking forward to next week's dinner.

I will be returning to Texas the first week of October. I plan to fly this time. Sally and I always drove out to have a car when we were here. This time I am leaving a car here. I will first fly to Tucson to see my friends, the Woosleys and then will go on to IAH. I missed the downpours in Texas of last week and I hope there are no hurricanes in the future to greet me when I arrive.

Seattle & Port Ludlow

I spent the last week in Seattle and Port Ludlow seeing old friends. Started in Seattle where Len and Alansa Bates live. Len was a college room mate and has known Sally about as long as I have. We have remained in touch for the past 50+ years and it was a great visit. Seattle was showing off (at least for a while) and Rainier was out in all its glory. Then we all went over to Port Ludlow to see Jimmy and Teresa Goode, Sally's brother and her sister-in-law. This was also great and we feasted on Dungeness crab caught by Jimmy accompanied by some of the best wines I have ever had. We had a couple of toasts to Sally, who would have loved it. We used to live in Seattle 45 years ago when Sally taught elementary school and I was a house officer at Harborview and the UW. So it was all pretty nostalgic, but we all got through it and it helped to be there with others who were so close to Sally.

Getting settled back here in Carlsbad. September should be pretty busy with visits by other friends and Lorrie is coming for a week. Hooray.

A friend sent me this poem:

Loving Memory

I carry you with me into the world

into the smell of rain

& the words that dance between people

& for me, it will always be this way,

walking in the light,

remembering being alive,

together

Profound article

Recently, I read an article in the New Yorker by Dr. Atul Gawande, a very smart and articulate surgeon from Harvard. It is about hospice care and much of what he writes about is relevant to all of us of a certain age and those caring for patients who are seriously ill. The link is

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande?printable=true

If you have some time, it is worth reading. I was particularly interested in his discussion about the use of hospice care along with standard medical care for those with serious illnesses. In fact an article just came out in the New England Journal of Medicine this week showing that early palliative care along with standard oncologic care for metastatic cancer resulted in less depression, better quality of life and better mood scores than standard care alone. Also the hospice group had less aggressive care at the end of life but had on average a significantly longer survival than the standard care (about 3 months longer). Now 3 months doesn't seem like a lot, but it is the amount of benefit received from many types of chemotherapy. And, believe me, even a few months of good quality life is worthwhile, particularly for the surviving family--and I think for the patient as well who has a little extra good-quality time with loved ones. It may be that in the future, the paradigm of calling in hospice at the last minute may change to have hospice involved early even if the patient may have a remission.

Mountain Town

Today I went up to the little gold rush town of Julian about an hour from Carlsbad but up at about 4000 ft in the Cuyamaca mountains. It is like a stage set town with old storefronts and a single main street. Sally and I had talked about going up there, but we never got around to doing it. The town is known around here for its apple pies, which are really good. So I had to get a pie for dinner while I was there and we had it for desert tonight. Yummy.

The weather is warming up some and the ocean water is also getting warmer so it is ok to go to the beach and even get in the water. Looks like summer is finally arriving.

Experimental cooking

Kathie and I have decided it would be fun to try and cook something different each Friday. This week we may try a recipe from Padma Lakshmi "Tangy tart hot and sweet" book--Pipali Chicken Curry, Madras style. Not sure we can find all the ingredients, but will try and will let you know.

Also, yesterday I made plane reservations to Seattle to see my friends Alansa and Len Bates and Jim Goode (Sally's brother). We lived in Seattle from 1963 to 1966 and have been back only rarely. This is something exiting to look forward to--at the end of August.

Still unusually cool here in contrast with most everywhere else--can't complain.

Wild Animals

Last week Gavin and Christopher and I went to the Wild Animal Park, which is part of the San Diego Zoo, but is inland a little ways. Last year Sally and I joined the Zoo as members and went to the main zoo with the boys, and we were going to go to the Wild Animal Park, but the weather got too warm so we didn't. Since it is inland it can get into the 90's or even 100's there. We thought we would go this year. Well, when I got back to this area, I realized that our membership was still valid and since the weather has been cool, I decided that the boys and I would go. So we did and had a great time. It was warm (in the 80s) but quite nice. The park has a lot of acres and the animals have a lot of freedom to roam. Of course they keep the lions away from the zebras, but it is pretty natural in other ways. Anyway, we went and spent several hours there. I am posting a picture of three of the wild animals here (above). I am also posting a picture of a very young elephant born there with mom. It's worth seeing and I only wish that we had gone with Sally last year--but she was with us this year, I'm sure. .

Little things

I think I'm doing ok--then some little thing happens that jolts me. Recently I was filling out some forms and there was a check off for Married or Single. What do I do? I guess I'm single, but that seems too weird.

Also when something happens that is interesting or not expected and I want to share it with someone--who do I talk to. I can, of course share with my children and their families, but I think I miss most the ability to sit and talk with Sally. I can talk to her in my mind or occasionally aloud, but does anyone hear--I hope so.

Sun is out

We have had a long string of pretty gloomy days with overcast skies for most of the day and temperatures in the low 70's high 60's. But for the last couple of days, the sun has been up first thing in the morning and the days have been warm. This has helped my mood--can now go to the beach without freezing. I know, I know, most people in this country are suffering with triple digit heat, so I can't really complain.

Recently I was asked if I still feel Sally's presence here. Of course I do--This place is so Sally. For the last couple of days, an Oriole came and sat on our balcony--they are magnificent and I can't help but think that Sally had something to do with it. This is quite unusual for them to come to our railing.

Craig and his family have been great. I have been having dinner with them most every night and have been going to the Padres games with Craig and the boys also. Last weekend we went to see "Avenue Q" downtown San Diego. Very funny, but a little raunchy. It is basically a muppet like puppet show and they warn about "full puppet nudity" as you go in. But I don't think the boys were too traumatized by it.

We're going to try something new and hopefully fun. One day a week, I will join Kathie to make some sort of interesting, different dinner. She bought a Tajine, which is a Moroccan pottery dish for slow cooking meat and spices. We will try a lamb dish this week and see how it goes.

Bucket List

One of the movies that came out in the past couple of years was the Bucket List. Sally did not want to see it since it was a little too close to home. But thinking about her actions in the past two years it is clear that she had her own list of things that she wanted to accomplish. We never really talked about this, but I think she knew that her time was (or might be) limited and there were some important tasks to get done.

The first of these was the Goode family reunion. She felt that there were some members of the large Goode clan that didn't feel accepted by other parts of the clan. She felt that with her healing influence, she could get everyone together and make this all right. She did this. I think that it might have been the first time that all parts of the family had a dinner together and felt all part of the same extended family.

The second thing was to visit family and friends that we hadn't seen in years. On our drive out to California last year we went through Santa Fe to see her cousin Linda, and on our way back (when she was starting to get really ill again) we visited her nephew Brent and his family in Bakersfield and her cousin Rachel in the mountains of Colorado. We also had some quality time with some very long-time friends, the Thomsons, in Carmel. She also was able to go to her 50th high school reunion and reconnect with many of her high school classmates that she hadn't seen forever.

I know these things meant a great deal to Sally, and I'm really glad that she was able to get these things done. We never know when our time is up and we need to live each day with that in mind.

Fourth of July

It is the nation's birthday. I heard on the news that a new poll found that 25% of people under the age of 25 did not know who the U.S. fought to gain independence. Seems like US history is getting short shrift in some of our schools. Anyway, Craig, the boys and I went to a Padres game (against the Houston Astros) on Friday. I rooted for the Padres (when in Rome and all that) and they won! There was a spectacular fireworks show after the game (hence the relevance to the first comment of this entry). Tonight Craig has a gig with his band but Kathie and the boys will come over to the condo to watch fireworks from our balcony. There is usually a very good show at the La Costa Resort about 1/4 mile away.

One of the things I like to do here is walk in the Torrey Pines State Preserve. It is on a bluff overlooking the beach. I usually do the walk earlier than I did this year--the earlier the better for wildflowers. However it is always pretty and peaceful. Here is a picture taken this year on my walk to the beach.

This week I will go up to Redlands to visit with Boyd and Helen. That should be fun.

So, I'm keeping pretty busy, and appreciating this place an all that Sally did to make it beautiful.

Cool California

I keep hearing from friends and family in Houston how hot it is. I'm glad I'm here where the high temperature during the day is lower than the low temperature at night in Houston. But the water is cold in the Pacific--about 67 degrees now. It will warm to 70 or above later in the summer.

We had a nice dinner on June 25 with Craig's family and some mutual friends. It would have been our 49th anniversary. We often forgot our anniversaries but I probably won't now. Each day is maybe a little better but then something happens that reminds me of the past. I guess that will never entirely pass--and I don't want it to.

Tonight I will join Craig and the boys at a Padres game. They are doing very well this year. Hope my going won't jinx them.

Last week I took a walk along the lagoon near our condo. There is a heron rookery there but the "babies" are all grown up and about to leave the nest. It is hard to see them but I tried to get a picture.

I'm now in California

Following our recent "tradition", I drove out to Carlsbad, CA last week. I spent a few days in Tucson with our very good friends, Ray and Julie Woosley. I got out to Carlsbad on Wednesday and have been having dinner with Craig, Kathie, Christopher and Gavin. Father's day was last Sunday and both Lorrie and Craig were generous with thoughtful gifts for the old man. I have been spending my time at the condo trying to get it in shape--a little like Sally would have done but not really. She always got a lot of new plants to make the place look terrific. I do not have her innate ability to decorate--plus I am red/green color blind--so I am trying my best but you know.....

This week would have been our 49th anniversary and Kathie is already planning a party to get me through it. Kathie and Craig, and Lorrie and John have just been the best!!!

Bless all of you for your support and the many donations to various charities--especially Heifer--in Sally's name. I'm sure she is pleased.

Sally's Autopsy

Well here goes--5 weeks out I finally have the final report from the autopsy. Just to remind you, about a month before Sally died, we had the results of the CT scan that did not show any tumor in the abdomen including the liver. The chemotherapy had just been stopped after six cycles and Sally was on the road to recovery, we thought. Well, we all know that didn't happen and she deteriorated rapidly with worsening liver function and other problems. Below are the main results of the autopsy.

LIVER: There was massive involvement of the liver with metastatic breast cancer. This was not in the form of masses but there were infiltrating bands and sheets of tumor that fooled CT scan into thinking it was not there. Surrounding the tumor was fibrosis. This is what caused the main blood vessel to the liver to be obstructed and resulted in the dilated blood vessels that ruptured and bled causing Sally's death. The pathologist estimated that 80 to 90 percent of the liver was replaced by tumor with very little remaining normal liver.

ADRENAL GLANDS: There was bilateral involvement of the adrenal glands with metastatic breast cancer. Again, the CT scan, which is usually good at imaging the adrenals, did not detect this. At the end of her life, Sally had a problem with her blood potassium concentration. The high potassium that she had may be the result of adrenal insufficiency caused by the tumor because of lack of adrenal steroids.

STOMACH: There was metastatic carcinoma growing in the wall of the stomach. This was another infiltration without masses so was invisible to the CT scan.

KIDNEYS: Both kidneys have multiple foci of metastatic carcinoma

UTERUS: The myometrium (the muscular wall of the uterus) had extensive involvement with metastatic breast cancer.

BRAIN: There was metastatic invasive lobular carcinoma of the breast throughout the brain including the meninges (brain covering), the cerebral cortex, the cerebellar cortex, the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland and the pineal gland. The posterior pituitary makes a hormone that controls body water. Sally had a very low serum sodium toward the end and this may be the result of water retention with dilution of the sodium as a result of the tumor in this part of the brain. Thank God that Sally had no symptoms or signs of brain dysfunction--but had she lived, she would have undoubtedly developed them.

So. . . I'm glad that we have this information. Sally's tumor was essentially undetectable to the imaging used in modern medicine. At the start it escaped detection by mammography, and was only detected because an equivocal ultrasound led to a biopsy. At the time of detection it had already spread to the lymph nodes and bones--and very likely even farther. The tumor was thought to be one that might give Sally many years of life and could be controlled. There were estrogen and progesterone receptors that "fed" the tumor. The therapy of choice recommended by MD Anderson and by Dr. Conlon was to block estrogen production and thereby "starve" the tumor. Sally did well for about a year on this estrogen blocker therapy, but after a year this terrible tumor escaped this therapy. Last fall Sally was very sick as those of you know who have been following this blog. A trial of a standard breast cancer chemotherapy, Taxotere, was begun and Sally responded. She started to feel better and we had a good Christmas and Easter. But clearly this horrible tumor was still growing in ways that eluded detection and very likely nothing much was going to stop it. The final thing that led to Sally's demise was the consequences of the liver involvement, but if it hadn't been that, it could have been something worse, like neurologic problems.

Everyone knows someone with breast cancer and for many early detection and therapy results in a cure or long term survival. Sally was unusual, not only in type of breast cancer (invasive lobular makes up only 10% of tumors) but also in the course of this tumor. The literature is really not helpful since this type of breast cancer is lumped in with the more common type of breast cancer that forms masses and therefore is more easily detected and imaged. I hope that someone, sometime will realize the uniqueness of the lobular carcinoma and study it separately from the rest of breast cancer.

Life goes on

We are now one month out. I thought I might still contribute to this blog--I even toyed with the idea of calling it Alan's Progress, but that would be too confusing and I couldn't figure out how to do it anyway. We had another wonderful memorial in Carlsbad last weekend-- a memorial on Memorial Day (almost). Many friends and family were there--probably about 70 people. Annie Watts presided as she did in Texas and did a great job--thank you Annie.

I have been going through drawers and cleaning out some of Sally's stuff. I have come across some things that grab me. I am going to attach a picture of one letter Sally gave to one of our grandsons as they went into middle school--it is two pages. It may not be readable but I will try. Maybe you can zoom in somehow. It describes how Sally lived her life and she was passing on her wisdom to our grandson.

In a subsequent blog, I will talk a little about Sally's autopsy--you may or may not want to see it, but it explains a lot and makes us grateful that she went quickly.

One week until the California Memorial

We are looking forward to seeing many of our family and friends at the memorial for Sally in

Carlsbad on Saturday, May 29 at 11am at the Ocean House on the corner of Carlsbad Village Drive and Carlsbad Blvd. (US 101). Lorrie and I will be flying out next Wednesday to help get it all arranged. Kathie has been the person who has had the major job of selecting the venue and working with their staff. There will be a reception at the same place following the memorial. The memorial will be conducted by Mrs. Annie Watts, who has been Sally's counselor and spiritual coach during her ordeal and who led the memorial in Texas, which was great. There is no dress code but I will probably wear slacks and a sport coat--no tie and will not be upset at anything people want to wear.

Personally, the past 3 weeks have been up and down. I think that there is more up recently than down, but I am still finding it hard to accept that Sally won't be coming home from some extended trip. I had our cleaning crew at the house yesterday and they commented that it was "so weird without Miss Sally." And indeed it is! But I am assured that, with time, it will get better and less painful.

About a year ago, a couple of our neighbors constructed a trail along the creek that borders our subdivision. This required a lot of work and removal of literally tons of trash that had dumped there over the decades since the time when this area was a pecan orchard. Sally and I were very appreciative of this effort. When the trail was completed, they constructed a bench on the trail, and Sally would go and sit on the bench with her binoculars to look for birds. After Sally's death, the neighbors had the great idea to have a plaque made in memory of Sally and place it on the bench. Last Wednesday, Lorrie and I walked over and with several of the neighbors opened a bottle of bubbly and toasted to Sally that we loved her and missed her terribly. So true!

I have mentioned to some of you, that in keeping with my

medical background and the confusion surrounding exactly what was happening with Sally and her cancer toward the end, I requested an autopsy, which was performed on May 3. I am hoping to get the report soon. I think it will be useful not only for me to understand Sally's illness, but also useful for her physicians to learn from her most unusual case.

One more reminder that, if you wish, you can jot a short note in memory of Sally at www.settegastkopf.com and select or search for Sally. It that doesn't work (sometimes it doesn't) please try www.mem.com and search for Sally Nies and you can contribute your memories.

Note date and time

I had originally posted the wrong date but the right day--the memorial will be on Saturday May 29 at the Ocean House in Carlsbad. We will plan to begin at 11am. We are planning a big turnout. There is wheel chair access.

We're Coping--And some details on Carlsbad

Well, it is now Wednesday--about 10 days out. Last week was very busy getting ready for the memorial. This week is less busy but there is still a lot to do. All this is kinda therapeutic. Friends and family have been wonderfully supportive.

We have some details on the Memorial that will be held in Carlsbad on Saturday, May 29. We are going to have the memorial and the reception at the Ocean House on Carlsbad Village Drive and Carlsbad Blvd (oceanhousecarlsbad.com). We will have our own room. We plan to begin at 11 am. We can't reproduce the wonderful memorial we had in Texas, but we hope to have an equally great memorial with a California flair. We are looking forward to seeing all our family and friends that can make it to the event. The memorial will be immediately followed by a reception. We hope for good weather, but it may be overcast and cool which would be typical for that time of year.

Don't forget to visit the website settegastkopg.com and select Sally Nies from the list on the right. I hope people will leave messages about their memories of Sally. These will be compiled into a memory book. Thanks.

Mother's Day

Thinking about Mother's day is tough. Thank goodness our children are here. And also thank goodness that we had a most wonderful memorial service yesterday. There were around 80 people there and many spoke about Sally and how she had influenced their lives. It was just great and we appreciate everyone who came, those who spoke and those who were unable to make it and sent your good thoughts.

I appreciate all your thoughts

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of sympathy and support from all of Sally and my friends and relatives. I think that Sally touched so many people because she sincerely cared and was interested in others. When one meets someone who seems to care, I think that many people wonder what is their real agenda--what do they want from me. But with time, people realize that Sally had no "agenda". She was caring and supportive of everyone without any thought of how it would benefit her. And she was consistent in this throughout her life. Most people will never have met anyone who was quite like her. I am looking forward to seeing many of you at one of the memorials or receptions.

Obituaries Published

Sally's obituary was published today. Here are the web links:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/latimes/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=142513966

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/houstonchronicle/obituary.aspx?n=sally-goode-nies&pid=142522663

The Funeral Home offers a bereavement travel service at 1-800-224-4177. The funeral home number is 4219. I don't know if this would be helpful, but if you are planning to travel to the service or the reception following, you might check it out--can't hurt.

Published Obituary

We decided to publish the obituary only in the Houston Chronicle and the LA Times. Both should be coming out tomorrow, May 6. Be sure and look for it. I think it will be available online as well. We hope to see you at one of the memorials. This Saturday is in Sugar Land, TX and on May 29 it will be in Carlsbad, CA. The details of this Saturday's event is in the obituary in the last entry. The California one is not yet completely planned, but the date is firm.

Please visit the website www.settegastkopf.com and select Sally from the list on the right or go to www.mem.com and search for Sally Nies. There are pictures that were used at the memorial and there is a guestbook to sign. Check it out.

Sally's Obituary

The following will be submitted to the Houston Chronicle, San Diego Union Tribune, Denver Post, Tennessean, New York Times, and Los Angeles Times.

Sally Goode Nies, 68, passed away Sunday May 2, 2010 in Sugar Land, Texas after a courageous battle with cancer. She was born in Orange, California on October 8, 1941 to the late Claire and James Goode.

Sally is survived by her loving husband of 49 years, Alan and by her two children Lorrie and Craig and their spouses John Shinol and Kathie. She also leaves behind her 4 grandchildren Stephen and Andrew Shinol, and Christopher and Gavin Nies. Sally is survived by her brother Jimmy Goode and many other friends and relatives. Sally is preceded in death by her sister Priscilla Lorenz.

She was raised in Orange, California back when it was surrounded by orange groves. She and Alan were married in Orange on June 25, 1961. In their early days they moved around the country from Boston to Seattle to San Francisco to Washington DC. They then settled to raise their family in Nashville and Denver. Later they lived in Perth, Australia and Scotch Plains, New Jersey before retiring. There was no better place to retire than near her children and their families in Sugar Land, TX and Carlsbad, CA.

Sally was one of the kindest hearted people and truly cared for everyone. To the end she was hopeful and cheerful--her life was a remarkable example of Abraham Lincoln's quote "With malice toward none, with charity for all". She left a wake of grace.

Sally's presence brought a smile to those around her. Her generous heart and soul will live on in all who had the pleasure of knowing her. 

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you." Winnie the Pooh (and Sally too).


There will be two memorials for Sally. A memorial will be held in Sugar Land, Texas at 10am on Saturday, May 8 at The Settegast-Kopf Company, 15015 Southwest Freeway, Sugar Land, TX 77478 (281-565-5015). A reception will follow.

A memorial will be held in Carlsbad, CA on May 29. Details will be posted at alannies.blogspot.com

In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made in Sally’s memory to Heifer International (www.heifer.org)

So Sad

This is the hardest entry I have had to make. Our wonderful girl started bleeding from her intestines Friday night. She was hospitalized and the bleeding point was tied off, but she had another bleed and a cardiac arrest. She was resuscitated but the bleeding continued and could not be stopped in spite of the massive blood transfusions, etc. Sally passed away at noon today 5/2/10. Some time later we will have a memorial/celebration service and I will try and remember to post that so anyone who wishes can come. To the end she was hopeful and cheerful--her life was a remarkable example of Abraham Lincoln's quote "With malice toward none, with charity for all". We all miss her terribly. We had a great 49 years together!

I wish I could be more upbeat

This is a tough time for darling Sally. There are a lot of problems and it doesn't all make sense yet. First, the fluid in her abdomen was drained (1700 cc) and fluid in her left chest (pleural cavity) was drained 300 cc. Sally felt better for about 16 hours but the fluid reaccumulated and she is back to not being able to eat much and feeling miserable. We do not have the cytology on the fluids yet. Second, her liver function is deteriorating with abnormal enzymes, a bilirubin of 2.7 mg/dl, and a prothrombin time (INR) of 1.5. A Doppler ultrasound of her portal and hepatic venous systems does not suggest any thrombosis in those vessels. I know this won't make too much sense to many of you, but for the medical people following this, I thought I would put it in. Third, her serum sodium has been falling and is now very low at 117 mEq/L with a normal about 135. The reason for this is obscure. Renal function is normal. It may be related to the liver or an effect of the cancer (a paraneoplastic syndrome), but his would be rare for breast cancer, I think.

At least the bone marrow seems to be functioning OK now, whereas that was the problem earlier. All blood counts are normal except for mild anemia with hemoglobin of 10.6 g/dl. And all of this in the face of an absolutely normal CT scan recently except for the bone metastases. Clearly, this cancer is not imaged by CT except for the metastases in the bone. Why, when everything seemed to be going well, is the liver having problems? Sally is not taking many medications but even these few are being stopped in case they are contributing to the problem. It's not clear what the next steps will be. We will discuss with Dr. Conlon on Monday.

I'm worried!

Things have not been going well this past week. Sally has continued to feel tired and she has developed more swelling of her abdomen. We saw the doctor today who thinks she has fluid in the abdomen (ascites) and that is contributing to her lack of ability to eat much at one time and her shortness of breath. Sally is scheduled to have a tap of the fluid with cytology to see if there are cancer cells in the fluid. She is also scheduled to have another endoscopy of her stomach to follow up on the previous EGD to see the status of the cancer in the wall of her stomach. We should know more in a week.

Kinda slow recovering

Sally is still not feeling as well as she would like. We think this is probably just the effects of the 6 cycles of the chemo taking its time getting out of her system. There is not anything specific, just lack of energy. We had a great Easter at Lorrie's, and we were so psyched that she wouldn't be having any more chemo for now that we expected her to be feeling better than she is now. I hadn't updated the blog because I wanted to report more good news, but I think that it is time to let you all know what is going on. I'm hoping my next entry will be more upbeat.